A reporter once asked an Austrian conductor, “What do you do when rehearsals with the orchestra aren’t going well?”
The conductor replied, “I put the baton down, walk off the stage, and go to my dressing room. There, I look in the mirror. If the problem isn’t in the mirror, I go back on stage and work on the orchestra.”

This story highlights an essential principle: leaders must first assess their own responsibility in the performance of those they lead.

When faced with conflict or breakdown, I have found that looking in the mirror is the most critical place to start.

A Foundational Proclamation

The foundation of all accomplishment is relationship and communication. Let me emphasize that: the foundation of all accomplishment is relationship, not friendship, and communication.

With that in mind, when addressing a conflict or breakdown, the first place a leader should inspect is their relationship with the person or people involved. This doesn’t just mean the overall or "macro" relationship but also the current relationship in the moment.

Ask yourself:

  • Have I taken the time to connect with the person or people involved, not just in the past but in the present?

  • Do I understand what they are dealing with right now, in this moment?

Why does this matter? Because we are all human beings navigating the complexities of our lives in real time. Situations evolve, and so do the realities we face.

The Next Look in the Mirror: Communication

The second area for self-reflection is communication.. Ask yourself: Was I effective in my communication?

Far too often, leaders assume their communication is crystal clear. I once worked with a CEO who was convinced of this. I asked a simple follow-up question: “Did you verify with the other person that they fully understood what you were communicating?”

Here’s the reality:

It is the leader's/communicator's responsibility to ensure their communication is clear and understood. This includes verifying that the other person understands not only the content of the message but also the intent behind it. If you haven’t confirmed this, the breakdown is on you as the leader—not them.

Additional Questions for Reflection

Once you’ve examined your relationship and communication, consider the following:

    • Have you provided context for your request?

    • Have you clearly explained the purpose or reasoning behind it?

    • Are you acting in a way that aligns with the greater good for all involved?

    • Or are you allowing ego or a desire to control the outcome to dictate your actions?

    • Are you inviting the person to follow you through influence and leadership?

    • Or are you pushing them in a way that feels dictatorial?

No one likes to feel pushed. People typically respond better to an invitation to collaborate or follow a vision.

The Five-Question Self-Reflection

Before addressing the situation with others, I invite you to look in the mirror and ask yourself these five questions:

  1. Have I taken the time to connect with the person(s) in the present moment?

  2. Do I understand what they are currently dealing with?

  3. Was my communication clear, and did I verify their understanding?

  4. Have I provided context and explained the “why” behind my request?

  5. Am I acting from the highest good, or am I being driven by ego or a desire for control?

If your answer to any of these questions is anything less than an absolute yes, then it’s time to adjust your approach. Address these areas before you focus on “fixing” others.

Moving Forward

Once you’ve completed this self-reflection, you’ll be better equipped to address the situation with others. True leadership begins with accountability and self-awareness. By looking in the mirror first, you can create the foundation for meaningful resolution and stronger relationships.